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Finding fault in others
Athletes make up some whoppers to explain transgressions
Scott Ostler
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Among the crazy side effects of steroids that nobody talks about is whopperitis, a medical term for acute overdevelopment of the intellectual capacity to sling BS.
Nobody who ever tested positive for steroids or other banned drugs was guilty. Never a sheepish shrug or a sincere "My bad!"
Every test-flunker has been the victim of trickery, treachery, chemistry, naiveté, conspiracy, fakery or mistakery.
Take marijuana. It's always second-hand smoke, isn't it? Nobody actually smokes the stuff. Here's a tip: The best way to avoid testing positive for pot is, when you're at the party, grab that fatty and suck it straight in, because apparently nobody ever tests positive because of first-hand smoke.
Here's a random rundown of some classic tales:
-- This isn't exactly an excuse, but it's a dandy cover-up attempt. British shot putter Paul Edwards tested positive for steroids in '94, and officials claim he tried to mask the drugs by swallowing shampoo. Edwards still got bounced, but at least his teeth were shiny and his tongue was tangle- free.
-- A world-class Dutch cyclist, Adri van der Poel, chalked up his positive test for strychnine to his father-in-law, a pigeon racer who allegedly juiced his flock. Van der Poel got hungry, baked himself a pigeon pie and absorbed the 'roids second-hand. No stool pigeon was involved in this bust, but maybe some pigeon stool.
-- Daniel Plaza, Spanish 20-kilometer walker, was stripped of his gold medal from the Atlanta Olympics after a positive test. Plaza blamed his extremely high testosterone level on lovemaking with his pregnant wife.
-- Ben Johnson swore someone slipped him a spiked water bottle.
-- C.J. Hunter, U.S. shot putter, blamed a contaminated iron supplement for his 'roid woes.
-- Cuban high jumper Javier Sotomayor blamed multiple cocaine positives on a setup by the Cuban mafia.
-- When Austria's Nordic skiers checked out of their digs after the Salt Lake City Olympics, housecleaners found complete blood-doping kits -- needles, transfusion bags, tubes. The Austrian coach explained that the lads were merely trying to avoid colds by zapping small amounts of their blood with ultraviolet light and a magnetic field, then quickly re-injecting it. Hey, we all tried that in college, didn't we?
These skiers are not only cheaters, they're slobs.
-- Hurdler Ludmila Engquist said she divorced her husband, so he spiked her vitamins with 'roids. Had Ludmila looked closely, she might have noticed that Wilma Flintstone had a beard.
-- Linford Christie, where'd you get that high level of pseudoephedrine? Pigging out on oriental Lapsang Souchong and ginseng tea? OK.
-- Tennis player Pedr Korda said he ate too much veal from calves fattened with nandrolone. ITF scientists said Petr would have had to eat 40 calves a day for 20 years to achieve his tested level of nandro. Said Korda: Baa!
So far, nobody has blamed it on the bossa nova or on Rush Limbaugh's maid. But Dennis Mitchell (American sprinter) blamed his too-high testosterone test on four rounds of sex with his wife and five bottles of beer the night before the test. That's one way to cram for a test.
Dieter Baumann (gold-medal-winning German runner) blamed his positive test on steroid-spiked toothpaste. Lenny Paul (British bobsledder) blamed tainted spaghetti bolognese. Cricket star Shane Warne blamed it on a pill he got from his mom to reduce the puffiness in his face. Chinese track coach Ma Junren blamed it on dried caterpillars and turtle soup.
Why do these people keep producing these outrageous excuses? For the same reason dogs eat homework: Because they can.
Also, quite often, the excuses work. Dennis Mitchell? Cleared, with no explanation from the hearing board. Lenny Paul, of the spiked spaghetti? Cleared. Many others have talked their way out of suspensions.
It's a crazy world. Dieter Baumann offered a reward or $52,000 for tips leading to the person who spiked his toothpaste. Then Dieter went golfing with O.J. Simpson. No, he didn't. But Baumann did escape punishment after police chemists detected nandrolone in his toothpaste. If he didn't spit, you must acquit.
Maybe people really are out to get these guys.
But ruling bodies of sport can be intimidated by threats of huge and costly legal battles. Or sometimes you can just dazzle 'em with bullcorn.
The reason I present the above examples, though, is not to bring ridicule upon the athletes, but to send out a warning:
Be careful! If you're going to compete in big-time sports, make sure to stay away from booze, smoky parties, veal, spaghetti, pigeon pie, toothpaste, the mafia, ex-husbands and current wives.