Funny things in the news...

[rainbowgirl28]

That's why you can't walk your dogs too close to the water in Gainesville. They actually warn people about that at UF.

[jmayesvaultmom]

Turkish Man Squirts Milk From Eye More Than 9 Feet
A Rare Tear Duct Condition Makes It Possible
By JAMES C. HELICKE, AP

(For Picture go here http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article ... 03&cid=936)

ISTANBUL, Turkey (Sept. 1) - Ilker Yilmaz might just hold one of the world's most bizarre world records. The Turkish construction worker on Wednesday poured milk into his hand, loudly snorted it up his nose and squirted it more than nine feet out of his left eye in what he hopes will be recognized as a new world record.

"I'm happy and proud that I can get Turkey in the record book even if it's for milk squirting," said the 28-year-old. He says he is among only a handful of people around the world who can perform the feat because of an anomaly in his tear gland.

The Web site for Guinness World Records says Mike Moraal of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, set the existing record, of 8.745 feet in France in 2001.

In an e-mail, Guinness World Records said it had no official representative present to witness Yilmaz's feat and was waiting for documents from organizers of Wednesday's event to prove the record.

"It is really good to hear that provisionally a new record may have been set," Sam Knights, a Guinness representative, said in an e-mail. "We welcome new record breakers and look forward to receiving the evidence ... and then we can verify this new record attempt."

Yilmaz said he has known for years that he could squirt liquids out of his eye, but only three years ago found out that there was a record for squirting milk.

"I learned by chance that I had such a talent. When I was swimming with friends, I noticed water squirting out of my eye," he said. "When I saw (a previous Guinness attempt) on TV, I thought, maybe, I could do that too."

Mahir Kendusim, an Istanbul-based eye doctor, said a cavity links the lower eyelid to the nasal cavity, but added that he has never heard of anyone who was able to carry out a feat such as Yilmaz's.

Two years ago, Yilmaz said he broke an earlier record, but Guinness did not recognize it because the witnesses present did not fulfill its guidelines.

On Wednesday, an imam, or Muslim prayer leader, was among witnesses watching as Yilmaz sucked in the milk, held back his left eyelid with his finger and squirted away. Yilmaz succeeded on his third attempt. The record attempt was sponsored by Kay Sut, a Turkish milk company.

[jmayesvaultmom]

Teacher Lops Off Chunk of Student's Ear

BANGKOK, Thailand (Sept. 2) - A teacher enforcing school regulations on haircuts snipped one girl's locks to ear's length Thursday but ended up lopping off a chunk of her ear as well, police said.

Laweng Yangpakdee, a teacher at Wat Dan Prachakorn school in southern Chumpon province, had been inspecting students after their morning assembly to ensure their hair was regulation length, said police Capt. Kamsingh Sriyapai.

"He was going to cut the hair of this girl who had a haircut that was against school regulations. ... Her hair was against her ear, and he just cut without being careful," Kamsingh said.

He did not know how much of 15-year-old Theedarat Pattong's earlobe was cut off.

But a report on the Kom Chad Luek newspaper Web site quoted plastic surgeon Dr. Wiboon Thongduang as saying that half of the earlobe was severed, and could not be reattached because the girl did not get proper medical attention quickly enough.

Theeradat's father reported the incident to police, but no charges have been filed against the teacher, who along with the victim was to be questioned Friday, Kamsingh said.

[jmayesvaultmom]

Woman Gets Ticket While Stuck in Traffic

OSLO, Norway (Sept. 3) - Renathe Opedal was hopelessly stuck in traffic during rush hour when an overeager attendant slapped her a $73 parking ticket.

Opedal, 32, couldn't believe it, took the case to court and won.

"I'm really glad I won," she said by telephone on Friday. "But it took much too much time and energy. I'm glad it's over."

On March 26, traffic had backed up in the southern town of Kristiansand during rush hour and Opedal's car got stuck in the middle.

According to the ruling by the Kristiansand District Court, the city parking attendant misunderstood the situation and thought Opedal had caused the traffic jam by parking illegally.

The court ruled that the traffic attendant was wrong, annulled the ticket, and ordered the traffic department to pay Opedal $585 in costs.

"Parking companies do some pretty strange things sometimes," said Opedal. "They should have ... come to their senses. Instead, we had to go to court."

Kristiansand is on Norway's southern tip, about 175 miles south of Oslo.

[jmayesvaultmom]

From "Kids Say It Like It Is".....

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[jmayesvaultmom]

Marijuana Plants Found Outside Courthouse

GREEN BAY, Wis. (Sept. 7) - Sheriff's officers had marijuana growing right under their noses - or at least right outside their headquarters - before discovering and removing the illegal weed.

A Green Bay television station, WLUK-TV, reported Tuesday night that it received a tip and alerted the Brown County Sheriff's Department about the greenery in a planter on the south side of the courthouse.

Chief Deputy John Gossage wasn't sure of the plants' identity, but a drug officer confirmed the presence of marijuana.

"Obviously, as a prank, somebody planted this or dropped some seeds into the plants," Gossage said.

The drug officer pulled the six small plants, which were to be destroyed.

"It's a good thing it was brought to our attention because someone may have realized what it was and could've taken it and used it," Gossage said.

[jmayesvaultmom]

Doctors Find Loose Change in Man's Stomach

BANGKOK, Thailand (Sept. 1) - It was almost like breaking open a piggy bank. Doctors performing emergency surgery on a man who was rushed to hospital writhing in pain were stunned when more than 4.2 pounds of loose change spilled out of his stomach.

Sanguan Pongsawat, 37, who has a history of mental disorders, was operated on Tuesday in the northern town of Payao, said Dr. Sakchai Athawiboon of the Payao hospital.

Sakchai said that Sanguan, who lived with his mother, had been swallowing the coins for a long time without her knowledge.

"He is in safe condition. But he has to be in the hospital for some time in case of side effects because the metal coins had been in his body for a long time," Sakchai said Wednesday.

The coins had turned black from stomach acid.

Sanguan was in excruciating pain on Tuesday and was taken to a hospital, where an X-ray showed hard objects in his stomach. They weren't identified until the surgery.

Payao is about 375 miles north of Bangkok.

[jmayesvaultmom]

Dog Drives Off As Owner Watches Hockey

WHITEHORSE, Yukon Territory (Sept. 15) - An exuberant dog left in a truck while the owner watched Canada win the World Cup of Hockey managed to throw the vehicle into gear and coast down a city hill.

A man out for a walk called police after seeing the vehicle coast by with a black Labrador retriever behind the wheel.

Police arrived to find the truck in the middle of a road, blocking traffic, with the dog still at the wheel. No one was injured and there was no damage.

Going door to door, police managed to track down the owner.

"Subsequent investigation indicates that the dog was celebrating the Canadian victory in the world hockey game and knocked the truck into gear, causing it to roll down the hill," Whitehorse Royal Canadian Mounted Police said Wednesday in a firmly tongue-in-cheek news release.

"No word yet on how the dog is doing studying the rules for negotiating the new traffic circle."

[lonestar]

Surfer Takes Brief Ride on Whale


SAN CLEMENTE, Calif. (AP) - A surfer says the swell he was riding on a recent trip turned out to be more than just a wave - it was a whale.

Spyros Vamvas, a 60-year-old San Clemente therapist, felt the ocean swirl under him and was lifted up by the giant mammal.

``All of a sudden I just felt, wow, this huge noise and bump,'' said Vamvas, ``and it lifted my board up. I'm looking down, and there's just swirling water and I see barnacles on the back of the whale. I'm used to dolphins. This was different. It was huge.''

Witnesses at Lasuen Beach on Monday morning began yelling.


``We were all screaming, `Oh my God!''' said Mona Ferner, who was playing volleyball with her sister when she spied the whale.


Vamvas had no idea how big the whale was. Others on the beach guessed between 15 feet to 30 feet long, meaning the whale was likely a juvenile.


Vamvas, who has been surfing since he was 12, said the whale lifted him gently. ``I never changed position on my board,'' he said.


Those who saw the incident said that after setting Vamvas back onto the water, the whale turned and headed out toward the open sea.


``It looked like the whale was obviously spooked,'' said Marine Safety Capt. Bill Humphreys, one of several lifeguards on the beach.


The sight of the whale scared a number of surfers out of the water, Humphreys said. Vamvas was the only one left in the surf line as the whale approached. Witnesses said he was looking out to sea in search of a wave and didn't appear to see the animal heading his way.


Vamvas said that his 6-foot, 10-inch surfboard wasn't damaged, though he did pinch the middle finger of his left hand between the whale and his surfboard.
http://cnn.aimtoday.cnn.com/news/story. ... 31ORBEN801

[Azbeachboy1]

keep em coming, I've been laughing my butt off!

[i_heart_pv]

"He didn't bring his ***** with him. He has left the hospital well, but without his *****," a doctor from the Ibn Toufail hospital told Reuters on Saturday.

....so how does he pee?....ew

[blazerunner121]

funny coke advertisement:

http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/poster.asp